stalk like a pro

First, this pic has absolutely nothing to do with stalking. It's my personal homage to La Lohan, recently named Maxim's No. 1 hottest woman. Thanks for making me proud to own a copy of "Parent Trap," Lindz.

OK...now for today's topic at hand. Stalking. Yesterday, I wrote about my former love interest who told me on Sunday he'd gotten engaged. Since Sunday, I've literally gotten dozens of calls from mutual friends of ours wanting to break the news to me and, more importantly, get some juicy reaction. Most of them are people I hadn't heard from in months...people who suddenly had the urge to resurrect ties once they found out they could catch me in a moment of drama.

Bad form.

Good stalking is all about permanent relationships. If you really want to get good gossip out of somebody, you have to make a point of consistently being their friend for at least three months, so when something juicy and drama-filled does happen, they won't hesitate to trust you.

If that sounds cruel and underhanded, you're a very perceptive reader. Congratulations.

In summary, I'm pretty much the best stalker ever. I pride myself on surreptitiously learning not only everything about the guys I date, but also everything about the girls they've been with before and/or after me. For instance, an ex of mine recently told me his girlfriend got into grad school, so I researched not only the school, but the the specific program she's taking as well as her course requirements. You know, just for shits and giggles.

Some people, like my friend Lisa, are lucky enough to know they're being stalked. But at the same time, there's a whole load of people who have absolutely no idea that I know everything about them. And their 314 MySpace friends. The new conquest I added to my stalking repertoire over the weekend, for example, hasn't even met me. Too bad I already have all her hobbies memorized.

So the moral of the story is to never underestimate the importance of a long-lasting friendship. And don't forget that true stalker bliss is often only a Google search away. Happy Tuesday!